


underwater

by tokyoten



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Bullying, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Exhaustion, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insecure Im Changkyun | I.M, Lowercase, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Passing Out, Sad Im Changkyun | I.M, Self-Harm, Starvation, Trigger Warnings, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, changkyun is probably ooc, didnt want the typical representation as him shy and meek like .. no, i am thinking of putting my original characters in!!, im not even sure if its gonna have much comfort, neglectful hyungs, no relationships are thought out yet, post no mercy, pov im changkyun, pre no mercy, read tags!!, the other trainees are meann, uhhh what else do i tag??, vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-10 05:02:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27538813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tokyoten/pseuds/tokyoten
Summary: hes alone. so so so alone. and changkyun doesnt know how much more he can take it. with nobody to turn to and nobody he can even be comfortable with, changkyun is not holding up well. with the other trainees breathing down his neck and fellow no mercy members hating his guts, changkyun doesnt know what to do. hes so tired...all he wants to do is take a very, very long nap.
Relationships: Chae Hyungwon/Im Changkyun | I.M
Comments: 10
Kudos: 94





	1. drowning

**Author's Note:**

> OK SO! my first fic on ao3 that i am publishing yayy ive been thinking about doing it alot and my bestie gave me the push i needed to finally do it so here it is. although, this is more a vent fic than anything else. i wroe this late at night and im not the best with dialogue but im trying my best. there are major tws so please be cautious while reading. 
> 
> !!!!! TW ¡¡¡¡ cutting , self harm , eating disorders and disordered eating , body image issues , abuse

he was alone. so so so alone. and he doesnt know how much more he can take it. with nobody to turn to and nobody he can even be comfortable with, changkyun is not holding up well. the other trainees hate him and its not that far off from how he feels about himself. changkyun stole their friends spot and shot to the top, almost as if he was promised to debut which is what the other trainees believe. hes ugly, talentless, way too large and nothing compared to the others.

there was also the looming sadness of not having affection in so long. changkyuns love language was cuddling and showing affection physically but he hasnt even had a mere hug or a high five in the past few weeks hes been at the no mercy show. hes not doing well. with the other trainees breathing down his neck and fellow no mercy members hating his guts, changkyun doesnt know what to do. 

+

changkyun twitched. he could hear the faint sound of a deep voice calling for him out of his not so deep slumber due to constant nightmares. 

"oy i.m" 

trying to blink the sleep away from his tired eyes, he woke. in front of him, hyungwon scowled down at him, lanky figure towering over changkyun. 

"wake up dammit, we have another dance practice in 30, no thanks to you. its already 12pm! kihyun made breakfast, theres a little bit left." he saw hyungwon look his clothed body, which at the moment felt bare, up and down and snickered. "not that you need it"

"ok sorry ill be up hyung, give me 15 minutes" this was a constant. the others making snide remarks about his body, commenting on his skin, dancing, rapping and to be honest, everything. there wasnt something they left untouched. 

hyungwon muttered something under his breath, probably some explicit words, and shot him a nasty look, leaving the room finally. changkyun sighed. the usage of his stage name instead of his real one didnt fly by him. while the others were close enough to use their real names, nobody called him changkyun and if they could, they wouldnt call him i.m ot acknowledge him at all. was it so hard to show some common decency? 

'yeah, like you deserve it. you stole their friends spot and got an unfair advantage. be grateful that kihyun even makes breakfast for you, fucking pig. hyungwon wasnt wrong.' 

changkyun tried to tune out the voice which spoke harsh words to him. grimacing, he got up out of bed and treked to the bathroom. there, he lifted his dark hoodie up and unwrapped the bandages he had on to reveal small, thin lines on his abdomen. 

'whew! thank god none of the cuts ripped open at night.' changkyun had that happen once and it wasnt easy explaining to the others why there was a huge blood stain on the newly washed sheets. he just brushed it off as a nosebleed which got concerned stares from them and an angry one from kihyun, who went through the struggle of bringing all the laundry to the laundromat and back. 

he did his business, taking a quick 5 minute shower, careful to avoid the new cuts from stinging from the apple scented body wash. he wrapped them in new white bandages and made sure to throw the used ones in a plastic bag to then throw out. after brushing his teeth, he was ready to go. 

he stalked to the kitchen to find a plate of kimchi fried rice laid out for him. kihyun was caring like that. his insides twinged at the sight. he was starving, all he had yesterday was a few cups of coffee. but he couldnt gain weight, not now when looks matter in the competion. anyways it would just create something else for the others to criticize him for. instead, feeling guilty but not knowing what else to do, changkyun took the plate and threw it in the garbage. he took a huge breath in to steel his nerves from the comments and remarks he knew he would get about him from the no mercy members. 

+

"fucking hell, we've done it so many times already!" hyungwon berated him for what seemed like the 100th time. changkyun kept messing up the last bit. "why are you so useless? you know its on you if we fail?" 

he, jooheon and hyungwon were the only ones in the room, practicing their choreo for one of the last stages. changkyun wasnt meek or shy but he knew if he spoke up about the constant hate, everyone would turn on him and criticise him more than ever. he didnt want that. but, it still hurt not speaking his mind. 

"im sorry hyung, ill try harder" he said, suddenly very interested in the floor.

hyungwon made a guteral noise in the back of his throat. "you fucking better. we have 3 days left and all you've done is pull us back!" 

he looked up and saw jooheon staring at him with what looked like pity and anger. the older boy tolerated him but he knew he couldnt push it. of course he would be mad that changkyun couldnt do anything correctly. chankyun glaced at the clock and was shocked. it was already 7pm? they had been there for over 5 hours? they had taken a break around 3 to get some food but changkyun told them he wasnt hungry. none of them complained. bur now, he wished the ground would just swallow him up. he messed up so much and they had worked so hard for so long just for him to fuck it up. 

he looked up and met hyungwons furious gaze. "its late, you two should get home. im gonna work on my dancing.." he tried not to look at jooheon who he knew was pitying him. 

"damn well you should. i expect it to be perfect by tomorrow, if not you are gonna make us ALL fail. and anyways, you could use the extra exercise."

he flinched at that but they didnt notice. hyungwon and jooheon walked to the corner of the room and picked up their bags. they left quickly but not before jooheon sent him a thumbs up, running after hyungwn when he called for him. changkyun was shocked the boy could still have some decency. but no matter, he had work to do. 

he took a deep breath and started the song again. hours blurred by and changkyun was fucking exhausted. he worked his body up to the point of collapsing. his cuts hurt but he was used to it. he hadnt had a proper meal in 4 days. all he consumed were monster drinks and cups of coffee. he was plagued with nightmares too, not having a wink of sleep. changkyun laid on the ground for a bit, gathering his thoughts.

'when did i get so pathetic? i cant dance for shit, my rapping isnt as good as gunhee and my visuals arent on par with hyungwon or minhyuk. why do i even bother?'

he sat up. why does he even try? he knows he wont make it, the company probably just pitied the boy with raggedy clothing, rapping his self produced songs and thought they should just give him a chance. you know, like charity. 

he should just stop trying. no, when did he become like this? changkyun was strong willed and stubborn. he wasnt gonna let his dark thoughts or members say anyrhing that would stop him from reaching his goal. he wanted to stand on a stage in front of fans and feel accomplished. he wanted to make fans happy and feel their excitement. thats why he tried. 

"ah, its probably late, i should get going" 

he spoke to nobody, cracking his aching body and checked the time. changkyuns eyes widened when he realized what time it was. it was 2 at night. he had been there for hours on end. at least now he perfected the dance. his stomach rumbled, begging for food but he ignored the hunger pangs and gathered his things. 

switching the lights off and locking the doors to the practice rooms, he headed home. walks at night with a chill in the air were his favourite. of course, getting mugged wasnt. he knew from first hand experience. 

reaching the dorms, changkyun tried his best to open the door and quietly slip in. he took off his shoes and listened if anybody was awake. hearing nothing but the buzz of the refrigerator and occasional cricket chirps, he walked to his room which he shared with hyungwon and minhyuk. changkyun felt icky and sweaty but he couldnt take a shower and wake someone up now. he opened to door to both boys sleeping. 

'thank god'

placing his bag on the floor, he grabbed some clothes and changed into them as fast as he could without waking either of them. hyungwon was a beast when awoken from his 'very imporant beauty sleep' as he stated himself. 

changkyun slipped under the covers into the bottom bunk and closed his eyes. he dreaded the next day but that was not for him to think about right now. all he needed now was some well earned rest. yeah, he could be nice for once and rest for a bit. drifting off, he prayed there would be no more nightmares. and so, he slept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first chapter whoo hoo!! like i said, this is more of a vent fic so updates may not be regular but comments and kudos would really help motivate me :)) that being said, please stay healthy, drink some water, wear a mask and watch your mental health!


	2. suffocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he felt like a worthless mess. he should just overdose. grab the rope and fit it over his head. slit his pale wrists and watch the blood flow away from his body and leave him as a corpse. throw his body over the nearest bridge. coincidentally, the bridge that was suicide central wasnt very far from the starship building. it was said to have a lot of trainees throw themselves off of there after they fail to debut or are tired of the pressure and mistreatment. changkyun would just be one of the countless suicides.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well its been a while. sorry, life has been tiring. but i took so long because i wrote a much longer chapter. disclaimer: there may be things that dont match up chronologically or how the actual show went. but yoonho is eliminated ouch. there wasnt much mention of eliminations or actual long convos in this chap but im hoping to have much more dialogue in future chaps bc im not that good at it. also im putting changkyun thru the wringer sorry man. also also!! i have mentions of my oc's i love them and had to include them. 
> 
> !!!!!!!! TW - graphic violence , description of dead bodies , gore , major suicidal thoughts , panic attacks mentions of cutting !!!!!!! 
> 
> please be careful !

there was so much screaming. his ears were ringing and his head hurt like a mother fucker. trying his hardest, changkyun opened his heavy eyes and almost passed out at the sight in front of him. bodies upon bodies were laid on the grounds, charred and dead as one could be. their bodies were burnt to a crisp and faces unidentifiable. the bodies were torn up, like they had been through a shredder. skulls were smashed through and necks were snapped back in a way the human neck should never be. 

and oh my god there was blood. so much blood. they painted the ground and walls, like a mural of red. looking around, he noticed the breaking building and creaking of the pipes above. rubble was all over the floor, along with sharp objects protruding from bodies. there was very obviously an explosion. maybe it was a gas leak or a defective gas appliance. there were new ovens that were installed a few days ago. whatever it was, changkyun wishes he never experienced it. 

there was the scent of fire invading his nostrils and the familiar tang on metallic blood in his mouth. changkyun saw the bodies' mauled faces and started to dry heave, but nothing came up. 

picking his body up and choosing to search the area, he limped down the corridor. the way had things changkyun wished he couldve never seen. their faces taunted him as he stared into some of them, a state of shock coming over him. stumbling upon the familiar practice room that him and the no mercy members have been in, he pulled himself into it. something he wished he couldve never done.

the sight of what he could barely identify as hyungwon, shownu, minhyuk and everyone. this time he threw up, gagging and heaving in the corner as it burned his throat. they were all dead. some of their eyes were gone and - oh my god were those limbs - bodies shredded up. 

"guys..no this can't be happening this isn't real please-" 

changkyun sobbed as he held the blistered hand that was once minhyuks. he knew they all hated him but to see them dead at his feet was something else. he heard a grunting sound come from somewhere in the room. he swiveled around and saw someone standing there. clutching his mouth he scrambled away. minkyun, seokwon and the other eliminated boys stood there, limbs almost torn off with sick smiles painted onto their ripped up faces. 

"are you happy?"

the question came from minkyun, who changkyun only knew from past videos as he left before they could meet. it threw him off guard and he stuttered, still in shock. when there was no answer, minkyun glared.

"you should be. we were all eliminated after trying our best and fucking hardest while your lazy ass mooched off of the struggles we went through and shot to the top. you even look like a fucking cutter. just fucking kill yourself already." 

each word that came out of the dead boy's mouth was like a knife being plunged repeatedly in and out of his heart. he knew it was all true too. 

"im sorry," was all the now sniffling boy could come up with. he tried his hardest to keep the tears in, not wanting anybody to see him at the lowest. "i just had a chance and i took it and that's selfish, i know, but im trying my hardest please-" 

"YOU DID THIS!" the shout teared him out of his teary haze. all of them, hyungwon, shownu, gunhee, every single one of them were standing and pointing their fingers at him. even seokwon was there with one arm left holding the torn and bloody limb in it. their ragged faces were pulled into angry expressions. 

clutching his head, he put his head between his legs and cried. 

“you're worthless, you realize? your looks are the worst, all you have is a face of acne. Your rap isn't even the best, gunhee could easily beat you. did you whore your way in no mercy? oh that's it isn't it. you opened those pretty little legs of yours and fucked your way into the top. i wouldn't be surprised if you win today.” 

no, no, no! thoughts raced through his head and he just wanted to get out of there. 

“i have to go”

he jumped up and avoided all the obstacles in his path, bolting out of the room with the boys. and ran straight head first into the blazing fire.

+

jolting out of his sleep like he was electrocuted, he laid there. his breathing was ragged and he couldn't wrap his head around what he experienced. that was one of the worser dreams he had. his heart thudded in his throat and his stomach churned. today was a very important day. today determined changkyuns future, it was the last solo mission. his breathing got laboured and he was struggling to breath. the - dead - bodies flashed through his head like a slideshow. he saw minhyuk, hyungwon, shownu, all dead in front of him. the words minkyun spoke stuck to him. 

‘did you whore your way in no mercy?’

the words rang in his head. did they all think that? 

‘ just fucking kill yourself already’ 

he should. nobody would care. life was too much and death is so peaceful. it wouldn't make a difference anyways. the only people who gave a shit about him were back in america living their best life. would anybody even show up to his funeral - if he even got one- ? changkyun doubted it. 

again, yoonho was eliminated and it was his fault. his team with hyungwon and jooheon won. and he got the one boy who tolerated him the best out. he didn't deserve anything. 

his sight was now going blurry and his feet started to tingle. trying to calm himself down - but very obviously failing - he started scratching at his arms. pain usually grounded him but in this instance it wasn't doing shit. 

he dug his nails into his skin, breaking the surface due to the length of his nails. it momentarily lifted the haze he was in but this didn't calm him. changkyun thought of one of the others walking in and seeing him in this state and - that was a mistake. he couldn't let them know, ever. there was now blood pouring from his scratches and he stumbled up from his bed, making his way to the bathroom. he hoped there wasn't a blood trail.

slamming the door behind him, he crumpled to the floor. he was trying his hardest to remember how to stop a panic attack but it wasn't coming to him. he slammed his palms against the floor, cursing at himself for being so weak. the walls felt like they were caving in on him and heart about to pound out of his chest. 

breath in. breath out. breath in. breath out. 

‘why isnt it fucking working!’ 

he felt like a worthless mess. he should just overdose. grab the rope and fit it over his head. slit his pale wrists and watch the blood flow away from his body and leave him as a corpse. throw his body over the nearest bridge. coincidentally, the bridge that was suicide central wasnt very far from the starship building. it was said to have a lot of trainees throw themselves off of there after they fail to debut or are tired of the mistreatment. changkyun would just be one of the countless suicides. 

'breath changkyun. you need to get air into your lungs. you will be fine, you just need oxygen.'

he remembered a close friend who now lives in america telling him what they did during a panic attack and what you are supposed to do. remembering them after so long made his heart ache. he really missed his friends but now wasnt the time for cute memories. he tried purging his mind of useless thoughts and focusing on his breathing.

'good, now. name 5 things you can see around you. it can be anything, a speck of dirt, your hair in front of your eyes.'

he rubbed his eyes, ignoring the stinging of his palms, and looked around. he still felt lightheaded. there was a cobweb in the corner and kihyuns favourite lavender scented candle which he begged to buy after living in the dorms with so many boys.

'fuck, no please. no thinking about them. you are fine, its okay im okay.'

he concentrated on the voice telling him what to do instead of his raging thoughts.

'three more, what do you see?'

mickeys voice rang in his head. there was his red and white towel that he bought in america on the rod, the blue shower curtains and the brown carpet he was currently bleeding and sitting on. his head still felt like it was underwater and he needed to focus.

'great! you did amazing. now what are 4 things you can touch?'

he looked down and almost lept out of his skin. he didn't think the damage was that bad. changkyuns arm was covered in blood and long angry cuts which were slowly but surely starting to scab. god, he had to wear long sleeves for so much longer now and he already looks like a freak wearing them in 20+ degree weather. 

'one of them is gonna call me a cutter, im betting on it' 

well, one thing he felt was his blood. changkyun reached behind him and felt the hard cabinet he was currently leaning against. two more things were his hair and clothes. Slowly but surely, as he went through all the senses, he calmed down. his breathing slowed and he was now capable of rational thought. 

changkyun sighed. he really missed his friends. a lot. especially mickey and rune, who were twins that he met. they were always so affectionate and changkyun loved the attention.

he reminisced about america and the long night strolls he took with them. the one time they pissed off a gang member and had to run from one part of the city to the next while being chased. when they were nearly arrested for vandalising this dickheads house after he couldn't respect mickeys pronouns. but rune sucked the officers dick and got off but thats another story! how he remembered when they talked until the morning about random things and bet on the stupidest shit. they were the epitome of annoying high school kids but they had so much fun together. the twins brought out changkyuns extroverted, loud and funny side. something that is very suppressed now. 

'yeah, it's been a while. i should give them a call and see how they're doing. hopefully better than me.'

and he should. but right now, he had other stuff to do. 

he did his normal routine. cleaning up the blood that dripped onto the floor and started bandaging the new cuts and weighing himself, staring at his now thin and bony body. i.m wasn't proud. the number on the scale was still too high. his stomach was protruding and he hated it. i.m still had fat around his thighs and hips and he didn't like that. 

but the human body was weak and with all the dancing, working out and self harm he's done to himself, he wouldn't last starving for a few more days. changkyun had to eat or else he would collapse, he knew that. so he planned to have a small meal after nearly a week of fasting. he needed to get those hips smaller and take away those rolls for good.

he slipped into the shower, almost moaning out loud at how good the hot water felt on his new cuts and sore body. changkyun finished doing his hair, brushing his teeth, his very long skin care routine and quickly threw on a baggy hoodie which covered his thinning form and enveloped him in soft comfy material. it used to fit him fine but now it fell off of him and was like he got the wrong size.

+

slipping into the hall, he smelled the aroma of freshly made pancakes, toast and hashbrowns (changkyuns favourite actually). except this time the smell was sickening. he had grown an aversion to food scents, always making him gag. 

"dont touch my fucking hashbrown or god help me you will find your dick diced into your lunch" 

changkyun heard minhyuk's loud, angry and explicit yelling from where he stood a few feet away from the door, as if he was right next to his ear. 

"it's just a fried potato, can you chill out?" hyungwons voice, although quieter, made its way into the hall.

"yeah, but it's MY hashbrown, not yours. hands off" 

"your so fuck-"

shownu cut in. "what did I say about swearing?" 

"are we 9 year olds that cant say bad words?" 

"no, but you're acting like one right now." 

with that, the two stopped bickering (until hyungwon steals someone else's food of course). seeing his chance to grab some food and leave, changkyun walked towards the doorway and stood there for a few seconds for the others to realize he was there and existed. wonho was first and if the quick drop in expression wasn't the most obvious, changkyun didn't know what was. he shifted between his feet, unsure as to whether he should speak up or not. 

"oh look who decided to join us," wonho said in a calm, but very clearly passive aggressive voice. with that, the others swiveled around to see changkyun. their cheerful mood was gone and the room felt like it dropped 10 degrees. "are you gonna join us or stand around like an idiot?" 

minhyuk spoke up before he could get a word out. "don't even bother, hes too good enough for us to eat with us. is your ego that big? your looks aren't even good enough for that."

‘your looks are the worst, all you have is a face of acne’

he grabbed his arms and pressed down on the fresh cuts, which cleared his vision. he felt like breaking down, curling into a ball, smashing his fist into the wall, anything but standing there. changkyun gritted his teeth, cursing in his head. 

"settle down minhyuk, you're literally just mad that someone stole your food," kihyun scolded him in a stern voice, hands on his hips while glaring down (up) at minhyuk. 

“sit down and eat with us changkyun. ill get you a plate.” kihyun said calmly. 

minhyuk's eyebrows shot upward. “oh, now you two are best friends?”

“is having some decency illegal?”

“If i do recall, you said yourself that you wished he would get kicked off the show.”

kihyun paled and minhyuk looked triumphant. changkyun tried not to let the words get to his head but it was very difficult. kihyun was one of the nicer hyungs and it hurt to know they talked bad about him behind his back. what did he expect? 

he interrupted, “i can eat in my room. it's okay.”

minhyuk threw his hands up. “see! he's too good for us so let him go eat by himself.”

“no, changkyun i didn't mean it like that-”

“actually, i'd rather not sit with you all when you make it very obvious that i'm not welcome here.”

kihyun looked embarrassed. wonhos eyebrows furrowed as he heard the maknaes words. 

“did your mom never teach you to never speak to your hyungs like that? have some respect.”

“my mom died before she could teach me much.” changkyun deadpanned.

oh, now it was VERY awkward. they looked like they were all stuck in between pitying him and still having the same distaste for him. wonho was exceptionally pale. 

‘shit, i've said too much. typical idiot me.’

“ok then! changkyun, it seems like you wont change your mind so just take this and go.”

kihyun handed him a plate of food and off changkyun was, high tailing it back to his room, ignoring the hushed whispers behind him. 

(he threw most of it down the toilet. all the boys ignored him once again.)

+

the lights blinded him. the tensions were high and he could feel the pressure that was on him. the judge was now going to start calling out the names of who passed. changkyun had a great performance and he got good feedback from the judges other than the one that said his rap was a bit shaky. it was quickly shot down by the others as they said he just finished dancing and it was amazing that it was still stable. he still felt sick to his stomach with nerves. if he won, he would be stuck with the people who hated his guts. 

but he worked so fucking hard for this. if he lost, changkyun knew he did his best. And if he won, well he must've earned it. 

‘do you really deserve it? over gunhee or minkyun or even yoonho, which you mercilessly got kicked out.’

now was not the time. 

“lee jooheon.”

“son hyunwoo”

“lee minhyuk”

“chae hyungwon”

that was four out of seven. three more chances.

“yoo kihyun”

“lee hoseok”

“and… drum roll! the last person, im changkyun”

he felt like he was just dunked underwater in freezing water. did he hear correctly? there was screaming coming from the crowd but he felt frozen to his spot. he….won. he finally moved to feel tears streaming down his face. he fucking did it. two years of training finally paid off. two years of non stop practicing. of pain and injuries and tears. he did it.

then it hit him that this meant gunhee failed. he won over gunhee. he was in a group with six boys who wanted him out. 

‘jooheon is gonna kill me.’

“give a big congrats to monsta x!”

changkyun looked to his side to see all of them in a big group hug. he slowly walked towards them to say congratulations, waiting awkwardly around for them to break the hug. he wiped away his tears before anyone could see them. 

“congratulations changkyun”

changkyun gaped. the words came from gunhee.

“w-what?”

“congratulations, you earned it. your rap was really good.” 

he blinked. were his ears deceiving him? he just won over gunhee and he was congratulating him? it warmed his heart to hear those words. he felt eyes on him, but chose not to acknowledge them. 

“uhm. thank you. that means a lot to me.”

he gave a shaky smile and thumbs up. gunhee grinned, even though he could see his red eyes under the bright lights. 

“come on, let's say congrats to your members”

gunhee grabbed his hand and led him to the others. his members. 

‘members. i’m actually in monsta x. this isn't a dream. mom…i actually made it.’

the two boys approached them. 

“congrats everyone. we’re a group now.”

kihyun gave an awkward smile. hyungwon looked over and muttered to himself. “i wish you weren't included in the we.”

changkyuns heart cracked a tiny bit. this was supposed to be the happiest day. minhyuk smirked at hyungwons words and shownu was conflicted. he caught jooheons eyes and saw the pure anger and sadness that were in them. his other half, best friend, soulmate, whatever you want to call him, was about to be eliminated. the pity that he once had for changkyun was gone. 

‘oh he definitely hates me.’

+

“were you promised to debut.” minhyuk's flat tone caught him off guard. it hadn't even sounded like a question, coming out more like a growl. they had all said their speeches and thanked the judges for everything. changkyun was taking his stage clothes off when minhyuk and hyungwon had dragged him into the stairwell. 

“im sorry, what?”

hyungwon looked annoyed. “are you deaf? were you promised to debut or not? there has to be some foul play here. you, of all people, couldn't have won over the others. have you seen yoonho? he deserved your spot. so what did you do?”

changkyun was confused. 

‘did you whore your way in no mercy? oh that's it isn't it. you opened those pretty little legs of yours and fucked your way into the top. i wouldn't be surprised if you win today.’

oh.

“what? do you seriously think i sucked someone's dick and got a favour done for me? quite frankly im offended,” 

the two boys cringed at his use of words. 

“no. there's your answer. i won fair and square. you both can bitch about it all you want but in the end, we’re still a group.” changkyun all but snarled. he was so tired of this treatment and he didn't want to act like the loser, shy kid anymore. 

“nothing to say? ok then, goodbye.”

with that, he walked away and almost dropped to his knees after the door shut behind him. 

‘you are so fucked if wonho hears about this’

changkyun laughed bitterly. it's not like it made much of a difference if he got in trouble by his hyungs or not. 

(wonho didn't speak a word to him when they got to the dorms. gunhee cried. changkyun was avoided like the plague.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yass okay finally a 2nd chap! i already have ideas for the 3rd chapter but honestly this isnt planned out so ofc updates wont be regular. kudos and comments make me smile and motivate me to write longer chaps so pls do :) thank you for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> first chapter whoo hoo!! like i said, this is more of a vent fic so updates may not be regular but comments and kudos would really help motivate me :)) that being said, please stay healthy, drink some water, wear a mask and watch your mental health!


End file.
